A Cleaning Guide for The Empowered Man
Dear Empowered Heterosexual Man,
Are you sick of arguing about the cleanliness of your home with your lady partner? Are you sick of hearing the phrase “weaponized incompetence”? Are you sick of generally just not having the tools to change these extremely annoying and entirely preventable arguments?
Us too! Jfc we’re so glad you’re here!
For the record, no one thinks you lack the sentience of an egg*, even if that’s what they say when you’re both screaming at each other til your eyes pop out about why you don’t know where the multipurpose cleaning spray is, it’s in the same place it always is, ugh I’ll just do it myself (we’ll get to that later).
I’ll be the bigger person here and just admit it on behalf of myself and the other women I know in relationships with men: we know you were socialized to let the women in your life take on the majority of household tasks, just as we were socialized to do it whether we liked it or not. And therefore, you didn’t grow up basing your value on whether there were crumbs on your kitchen counter or your ability to remember the last time you mopped your entire apartment, and you certainly didn’t learn to keep yourself from doing the things you enjoy in favor of chores that virtually no one actually likes to do.
SOOOOO if you’re here, it probably means that a) your wife/girlfriend/lady partner sent you this for a reason and/or b) you actually see the discrepancies in the division of your household labor on top of the work that you and your partner do outside of the home and would like to do a better job of maintaining your fair share. How wonderful! Admitting it is half the battle!
It is statistically and colloquially known that women still do the majority of household labor despite also working outside the home. You can easily read about those statistics elsewhere and in fact, here is Your First Assignment: conduct a quick Google search using the terms “mental load”, “invisible work” or “division of household labor”. I know you know how to use Google, don’t use ChatGPT though, since the insane water usage alone should make you shudder, plus the fact that it is regularly wrong…. but I DIGRESS.
EXTRA CREDIT if you find and read, I dunno, “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky, without your partner having to lay her copy on your bedside table and remind you weekly that you promised to read it. Til then, this guide will do :-)
Before we get into it I’ll also show all the Bean Soupers that are here to the door—
This is a very heteronormative post, because in my experience it appears to be an extremely heteronormative problem, so proceed at your own risk.
If your agreement with your lady partner is that she does all the household labor and you do none, then this guide is not for you; PLS NOTE HOWEVER, that if this has not been an out-loud-verbatim conversation you’ve had with her, then perhaps it’s time to check back in on this. I feel like this is a situation when we can apply Another Type of Enthusiastic Consent, which I know you know ALL ABOUT, RIGHT, please god I hope you do, we can come back to that in another post if necessary. If her answer isn’t like “pls pls pls let me do all the cleaning, I love scrubbing toilets, no I never want to hire a cleaner to help bc I LUV DUSTING” and is more like “ugh never mind, whatever, I’ll just do it myself”… my rec as a Professional Woman is that you keep reading.
If you are the lady partner, and you truly like cleaning everything by yourself**, then this guide is not for you (also bless you, it could never be me).
If you and your partner mutually do not care about the state of cleanliness in your home, then this guide is not for you—though if your home is dirty to the point of hazard to yourself and/or others, then with truly no judgment whatsoever, I suggest you revisit this sentiment.
NOW FOR THE FUN PART, MY GUY!!!!!! This guide is simply to teach you what you should’ve been taught when you were younger—1) how to look around your home and see what needs to be done and 2) how to do it! Feel free to print out this handy guide and make notes so you have a one-stop-shop reminder list for the next time you need it!
You will have assignments! And for all you overachievers out there (especially the ones who like to talk you thru it), YES, there WILL be EXTRA CREDIT!
Turn on your favorite 90s punk rock playlist*** and hup to!
STEP 1: HOW TO TELL WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Look around your home for generally accepted messes.
Signs of Generally Accepted Mess include:
overflowing trash/recycling in any room
visible dirt on the floor
crumbs on the counter
sink full of dishes
dirty laundry in a hamper waiting to be done
clean laundry in a hamper waiting to be folded and put away
shoes piled by the front door
clothes strewn all over various surfaces
….are you picking up what I’m putting down?
When your partner gets home from work, this is what she is seeing when she says “ugh this place is a wreck”.
Pro Tip: I do not suggest replying with “what do you mean, the house looks fine”, nor do I suggest saying “just tell me what to do and I’ll help”. We’ve established you’re a smart man—you know how that conversation has gone historically.
(Besides, saying you’re “helping” to clean your home has the same sort of ring to it as a grown man and father of 2 saying he’s going to “babysit the kids” while his wife goes out to steal an hour of time for herself to gulp down two margaritas with friends she hasn’t seen since she gave birth….it’s not called babysitting if you’re literally the father, it’s called parenting, but anyway I DIGRESS.)
EXTRA CREDIT: Barring any outright dirt/mess in your home as mentioned above, the next step requires a little more subtlety and nuance, for which I know you possess a modicum of sense—after all you managed to woo your beautiful, funny, charming lady, didn’t you?
For this one, I am empowering you further to think ahead a bit: the next time you all have people over for a party, pay close attention to what stresses her out to get done in the day or two before the doorbell rings.
I’ll give a personal preference here as an example: I grew up in Kentucky where having company over meant that you had to ensure that your home resembled the cover of Southern Living i.e. it looked like no one lived there. So generally, before I entertain more than veryyyyyyy casually, I will ensure that all the Signs of Generally Accepted Mess are attended to plus at least A Basic Reset (see below). I guarantee your partner has her own baseline for what feels right and I think the best way to tell what it is is to observe what she prioritizes when you’re having company over.
TO SUM UP, Every person’s preferences are different, so take the time to remember what that looks like for your partner. I may be more neurotic than your partner, and I am sure there’s someone out there who thinks I’m gross for not steaming the baseboards or whatever before having people over for a Derby party, but whatever.
And you know what, it’s okay if you have a bad memory! And since you know that about yourself, there’s no need to burden your partner with that every time these regular, mundane tasks arise! There’s a great solve, my friend: take pics on your phone. Then when you all are cleaning your home together, or completing your own tasks in your agreed upon division of labor, make it look like that.
STEP 2: HOW TO FIND THE CLEANING SUPPLIES
Before we get into room-by-room checklists for you, let’s be sure to tackle this question so you don’t have to ask your partner because you know as well as I do, she’s told you before where they are and you’ve either forgotten or “forgotten”.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Look around your home in the most likely places (see below~).
Most Likely Places for Cleaning Supplies:
under a kitchen or bathroom sink
in a closet, usually hallway or utility
in a garage? if you have one?
If they aren’t in any of those places, then your partner is a wizard, I don’t know where they are, so I suggest going to ask her for the very last time.
Why is it the very last time?
Because you are either going to REMEMBER or WRITE IT DOWN.
EXTRA CREDIT: If you see that one or more of these cleaning supplies is running low, add it to to the shopping/grocery list that you share with your partner.
STEP 3: HOW TO DO A BASIC RESET
THE BASIC RESET PER ROOM
This is the most generic of all lists culled from my experience living with not only partners, but roommates generally. It is in the order of how I personally feel you should do these tasks since for example, it doesn’t make sense to me to vacuum or mop the floor before you dust crumbs off your kitchen counter.
LIVING ROOM
Take cushions off of couch/chairs to fluff and vacuum out the inside of your couch (esp if you have kids/pets)
Dust coffee table with a dusting spray & any shelves/mantels/flat surfaces—pls don’t just dust around stuff! Move books, plants, decorative accents, then dust, then put them back, tyvm…
Vacuum rugs/carpets and/or sweep/mop depending on your floors
Fluff any pillows
Fold any blankets and put away or drape over couch/chairs
KITCHEN
Wash any dishes in your sink and/or run your dishwasher.
Put away dry clean dishes that may already be sitting out! Put them where they go!
Take a sponge and soap, and scrub out your sink, yes, even the sides.
Once the sink is clear, highly recommend pour a little white vinegar in the drain and sprinkle with baking soda (not powder)—let it sit while you do the next couple things…
Check your fridge for anything past its prime and toss it (and recycle containers!). If there are spills in there… wipe them up with an all-purpose spray, bc who else is going to do it :-) EXTRA CREDIT: take out the shelves and drawers in the fridge/freezer, wash them with soap/water in the sink, dry and put them back in; wipe down the outside of the fridge too.
Wipe down your counters with an all-purpose spray. And just like with the coffee table… move stuff out of the way before you do it, don’t just haphazardly wipe around it pls, because then it is not #clean.
Wipe down your stove with an all-purpose spray—if you’ve got removable burners on the stove, pls take them off before you do this. Otherwise, it won’t be very clean and/or you’ve just made things harder for yourself.
Put things away that might be sitting out from rushing around in your day to day—cereal boxes, lunchboxes, etc. There’s a solid chance these things all have a place to live, so unless the counter is that agreed upon place, then return those baddies to their homes.
Change out the trash/recycling, AND take to your bins outside.
Sweep the floor. Bonus points if you mop imho.
Replace any hand or dish towels with clean ones—dump them in the laundry basket.
If you put baking soda & white vinegar in the sink at the beginning, now’s a great time to rinse it down the drain! If you have a disposal, could be cool to stuff a lemon peel or even some ice cubes down there and run the disposal to get any gook out of the nooks/crannies.
DINING AREA
Wipe down/dust the table with a dusting spray.
Wipe down/dust the chairs with a dusting spray.
If you have a tablecloth, runner, cloth placemats, cloth napkins etc etc, swap them for clean ones. Put the dirty ones in the laundry basket along with the kitchen towels!
BEDROOM
Strip sheets, pillowcases, duvet covers, miscellaneous bedding from the bed. Dump them in the laundry with your kitchen and dining area finds!
Sprinkle the bare mattress with baking soda, or if you’re a Very Sweaty Sleeper, consider spritzing gently with diluted white vinegar (don’t soak your mattress or you’ll hate yourself, or god forbid, me.) Let it set.
Dust your bookshelves, side tables, dresser, lamps, windowsills. I know you remembered to move stuff out of the way this time, and I applaud you.
If you’ve got clothes everywhere, pick them up and dump in your laundry basket along with everything else.
If you’ve got books or toys or workout equipment or bags or just whatever, pick it up and return it to its rightful home.
Hopefully it’s been at least 15, if not 30, minutes….if that’s the case, whip out that vacuum attachment and vacuum up the baking soda off your bed. Replace bedding with fresh sheets, pillowcases, duvets, etc. Try to make the bed how your wife makes it, not like you did in college. Take a pic if you can’t remember how she does it, and for god’s sake, pls just let the woman have all the pillows she wants, she makes 70 cents (or less) to your dollar.
And since you’ve got the vacuum out….. vacuum the room and/or sweep!
BATHROOM (oh god, I hate cleaning the bathroom)
Clear off the counters and any shelves you might have in the shower (but you already knew that didn’t you, king?)
Pull all bath towels, hand towels, wash cloths, bathmats, etc and what? Throw them in the laundry basket. God, just wait til you see what we’re gonna do with all this laundry later.
Empty the trash.
Spray down the shower walls and tub with a tub/tile cleaner or an all-purpose spray—let it set, then usually take a few minutes to disinfect and all that.
Douse the sides of your toilet bowl with cleaner, and yes shove that nozzle up under the rim—let it set.
Spritz that baby down with your all-purpose type of spray, and let it set to disinfect.
Wipe down your counters with your all-purpose spray.
Run hot water in the sink, and scrub around the drain. Be sure to get the faucet and faucet knobs because I just know y’all got toothpaste on it.
Run hot water in the tub, then scrub the cleaning fluid off the walls of the shower, the tub, and around the drain. Be sure to get the faucet and faucet knobs.
Wipe down all sides of the toilet, including the tank, top of the lid, under the lid, top of the seat, under the seat and the rim, and the sides.
Take the scrubber brush that you likely have next to the toilet and scrub the insides of the toilet bowl. Flush.
Mop them floors, my friend.
Once the floor is dry, replace your towels with fresh ones!
LAUNDRY
Holy shit, I bet you’ve been wondering what to do with all these linens you’ve been throwing in the hamper. Here’s what you do:
Take this laundry to the washing machines down the street, in your building, or (lucky you) in your unit/house. If you’ve run out of clean clothes/underwear of your own, take those too. Hell, take your wife’s. Or even (wild I know), take your kid’s.
Sort by lights and colors.
Wash with detergent.
Dry. I love using dryer balls, but you can use laundry sheets, or you could just raw dog it with nothing—they’ll get dry either way lol.
Fold and organize according to type of linen/what room they go in.
Return them to their homes within your home.
MISCELLANEOUS
Wipe down your mirrors and windows with a glass cleaner. Especially in the bathroom.
Dust off the tops of picture frames and mirrors (I forget this all the time).
If there’s shoes, coats, bags, etc piled by the front door, return them to their rightful homes.
If you’ve got house plants, pluck off any brown leaves because they’re ugly and also help your plant thrive when they’re gone.
PERSONALLY, I like to light a candle or incense in every room once I finish cleaning it because it brings me joy but you def don’t have to do this.
This is what I generally refer to as A Basic Reset. Mr. Freckly Soprano and I generally do this together every two-ish weeks, because between work (I work in TV/film production), traveling for work (he flies all over hell’s half acre for his job), and life, that’s what we can make happen. These are the tasks we complete to feel that post-chore glow of “it’s so nice to have a clean home”.
However, don’t get it twisted: we do things in between these bigger cleans so that our apartment doesn’t turn into a toxic wasteland—something is better than nothing, my guy. Mr. FS basically always does our dishes, and he generally wipes down the kitchen every couple of days. I usually walk thru the house every couple of days to clear clutter, return shoes to where they belong, and I handle a lot of our major meal prep/cooking, because that’s how we like it.
So adjust accordingly since depending on your life, YMMV, especially if you have kids/pets (which I do not)!
And again, anything that you and your partner agree you should do that’s not on this list, you’re going to…….say it with me…… REMEMBER or WRITE IT DOWN.
STEP 4: SEASONAL CLEANINGS
I generally forget to do these things til seasons change so probs like every 3 months but these are def good things to look out for, and hey just make it a party:
Dusting your ceiling fans, or dusting air vents.
Wash your windows inside/out. Def also wash your curtains if you have them or dust your blinds (annoying).
Flip/rotate your mattresses (every 6 months).
Wipe down your baseboards.
Move your major furniture to vacuum/mop underneath (otherwise the situation gets to looking a little grim).
Wash your pillows.
One Last Pro Tip: If you take on a task, see it through to the natural end of the task. (e.g. if you say you’ll do the laundry, then that includes everything from sorting, to washing to drying, to folding, to putting it away). I can’t tell you how many friends I have who this is a key frustration. To me, it’s just as nonsensical as driving your car home from work, only to leave it idling in the driveway with the keys in the ignition.
IN CONCLUSION…
We’re thrilled you’re here. Legit. The more you do your fair share, the easier it’ll get to see what needs to be done, and the more you’ll find yourself doing things throughout the week/month/year that make these chores easier.
Taking care of a home can feel overwhelming, but when there’s two pairs of hands rather than one, and your partner is no longer weighed down with resentment at having to do this all alone, it actually isn’t burdensome at all.
I can’t tell you what a relief this basic practice would be to the women in your life. The idea that women are born knowing how to take care of a home, to cook, and clean, and take care of children, while men are not, is just simply not true.
We are socialized to do these things, and taught how to do them practically from birth.
Sometimes, in all the uproar about some of the most obvious rights we’re still fighting for in our society (eg. bodily autonomy, equal pay, non-hostile workplace environments), many of us know how lucky we are to hear these words of affirmation from the men in our lives who agree that women are their equals.
And while it’s good to hear these words spoken and to see men at Women’s Marches, it would be truly lifechanging to see those words become actions in even these small, unglamorous acts of daily life.
That not only can they put their laundry in the hamper instead of dropping it on the floor right next to it, but that they are not above running the laundry themselves. That they can not only make dinner without it being a big “magnanimous” production, but that they can clean the kitchen after. That they can put aside 2-3 hours on a Sunday to turn on some really loud music and dance with you while you change the bedsheets together.
These seemingly little things are actually some of the most impactful ways that men can SHOW us that we are equal…
That they SEE how we are also tired from the workweek.
That they KNOW what needs to be done to keep the life you share up and running…
That they REALIZE it doesn’t just happen by magic.
It happens with our labor.
Thank you for being here for us and with us.
HAPPY CLEANING!
All Our Best,
The Women You Love
*If they say anything worse than that, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
**If you however are the lady partner who cleans everything herself because your male partner doesn’t do it, does it wrong, or misses things, and you’ve taken it all on as the path of least resistance, I encourage you to send this to your partner because life is too short to spend it angrily scrubbing your bathroom every other Saturday while your boyfriend watches his 11th hour of football that weekend, because babe, you work hard too.
***When I was growing up, my mom always played NPR or Boyz II Men when we cleaned the house. There was no middle ground.
~For example: In our apartment, we keep bleach, Lysol, and the other stronger cleaning supplies under the sink in the guest bathroom. Dishwasher pods, soap refills, all-purpose cleaning sprays, dusting spray, wood polish, distilled white vinegar, extra sponges, laundry detergent, dryer balls, trash/recycling bags, and extra Brita filters are under the kitchen sink. Vacuum, broom/dustpan, mop/bucket, and a bag of dusting cloths are in our entryway closet.